Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Is this really me?

Alright. It's time for that rant.
The "I turned 40" rant. 

    It really has not bothered me, not like it does some women. I like who I am and where I am and have no regrets about the path I have chosen the past 20 years. Seems like I am finally getting to know myself, and that is not always a seamless, painless process.  So I have been doing some serious soul-searching. What is it that makes me tick?
   While I am a driven and creative person, I am also a self-deprecator. Bigtime.
I set unrealistic goals for myself and go in waves of over-achieving, then bouts of crash and burn followed by self deprecation for not meeting my unrealistic goals.  Add in a healthy sprinkling of "bright and shiny" syndrome ( I don't like to call it ADD... I just gravitate towards the new and exciting, or "bright and shiny") and you have a 40 year old who lives a pretty cushy life yet is overweight and really, really hard on herself.
   So it's time to figure this out. Figure ME out. Have I really had any deep conversations with myself about this? nope. I take the non-confrontational stance (extreme avoidance of drama) with things like this. Better to ignore it than to go through the drama of dealing with it. You know? I would never let someone else treat me the way I treat myself- and that makes no sense whatsoever.
   First lesson I have learned is that getting to know myself and dealing with the poo is not drama (and I hate the perpetuation of drama), is a good thing.  Everyone has things to work through, it is not a shameful thing. So no more ignoring or pretending that everything is peachy keen and no more being ashamed of being human.  Life is about the good and the bad, it's the journey that counts.
    I will be sharing my journey here, because it is good for me to stop putting on my happy face and only showing that part of me, AND, there is a chance that some of you are just like me, or close enough to share my path with me.
    I gathered a pile of some really good books that make me think. I put a list of some of them at the bottom of this post...
I also enrolled in a happy-feel-good online class by Mondo Beyondo. When I read their blog post in Kelly Rae's blog it made me cry.
"There's this white hot panic I have at my back sometimes when it comes to my dreams. If you don't get it together now (or at least soon!) the moment will pass and you will have missed your chance. Hurry, hurry, it whispers. The clock is ticking.

Everyone responds to this pressure differently. Some of us get it together and ramp up. We cover our bases, we try harder. We make sure that whatever is in our power to do, gets finished--and fast. Others of us make our foot long to do lists and immediately sink into overwhelm, declaring ourselves not-like-the-others. We're paralyzed with fear and indecision, and wonder what "the others" have that we're missing.".........
.....If any of this resonates with you, if you're the kind of girl who needs more space to play and rest and a certain kind of permission to be more gentle, with yourself and others, than I hope you'll join me for Dream Lab this summer. Everything you need to know is right here and it's not too late ever to discover that real dreams come true whenever we dare to bet on a little bit of joy and an unexpected dose of kindness and courage.

 Another blog post about it here, in Brene Brown's blog. She mentions a guidepost "Cultivate Rest and Play. Let go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth"  from her upcoming book called "The Gifts of Imperfection".

ouch.  Like a smack in the head. They were talking about ME.
So go over and check it out. So far it is perfect. Nail-on-the-head perfect.

Today I will be kinder to myself.

My Resource List...
"I Thought it was Just Me" by Brene Brown
"The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan
Mondo Beyondo ...Dream Lab


Chris Mellang said...

Your description of yourself really hit home. I'm heading on that same adventure and am excited to see where it takes us...

Anonymous said...

Awesome post, my friend. Awesome.

Brené said...

So nice to know that we're not alone on this journey!

"So no more ignoring or pretending that everything is peachy keen and no more being ashamed of being human. Life is about the good and the bad, it's the journey that counts."